I have spent my entire life trying to mitigate the effects of this possession by rage, but there has never been any respite. I have destroyed or decimated every relationship I have had. Every attempt at therapy and recovery over the last thirty odd years has ended in failure and I have been pulling my hair out for the majority of that time because “progress” has been achingly slow and I was never able to identify why I could not progress using all the standard protocols of talk therapy, CBT, anti-depressant after anti-depressant, groups, EMDR, breathing, mindfulness, and meditation, among others, all the while trusting that the providers I had been working with were doing their due diligence as they diagnosed me with guess after guess: depressed, persistent depressive disorder, unspecified generalized mood disorder, treatment resistant depression, bipolar with mania presenting as rage, major depressive disorder, and prescribed many different medications, each of which was “wrong” or ineffective.
Somehow, no one was able to put two and two together for over thirty years. After finally giving up on therapy and starting my own research and self-advocacy, I discovered, fairly quickly, what I thought was a match and was able to “verify”, but not receive an official diagnosis, with a subsequent provider who I pretty much immediately had a falling out with and now that’s over too.
You know how sometimes you figure out something and all of a sudden a bunch of loose ideas and things you wondered about all come together and make sense in a big “Aha!” moment? That’s what happened when I figured out my issue, which is just wonderful news because now that I know I have a Dissociative Identity Disorder spectrum issue, Other Specified Dissociative Disorder 1b, or Partial Dissociative Identity Disorder, everything will be great from here on out, starting with the very low probability of any recovery that I deem meaningful.
After a lifetime of doubling down on all the wrong treatments, my issues have only gotten worse and the realistic outlook is only for a recovery that is more a lifestyle of symptom management during years of intense therapy that is not readily available and that I must beg for because insurance companies and the Veterans Administration are not trying to find me specialized care. Instead, they direct you to the list of preferred providers, none of whom have any experience with complex trauma. In fact, if you step out of the societally mandated sphere of doctor reverence and look at the reality of the preferred provider list, you won’t find esteemed members of an elite group of mental health professionals. What you will find are the people who did the bare minimum to get a good paying job and then stopped learning. The doctors who can provide the specialized care a complex trauma carrying patient needs have furthered their education and have additional credentials and training and therefore are more expensive and because of that, insurance companies withhold access unless YOU can figure out what to ask for and how to ask for it.
So, what are our options? I think my future looks pretty bleak. Because of all the ruined relationships I have cultivated, I am no longer and will likely never again be the subject of love songs my wife hears, my children will always remember the yelling and the crying, and I will always be the person everyone wishes a better version of existed.
However, if YOU are not entrenched in an end-game scramble to pick up the pieces of a lifetime of failure, I’d like to advise you to start second-guessing your diagnosis if it doesn’t quite fit. If it doesn’t quite fit, it’s probably wrong. It’s never too early to advocate for yourself. Indeed, if you do not, then you will have no one in your corner. You are the only one who really cares about your recovery and the only one who will always look out for your own best interest. Everyone else, even our loved ones, have agendas and priorities that aren’t always in line with ours and you cannot expect anyone else to handle your situation with as much care and concern for the best outcome as you.
If you feel you are not receiving appropriate care and you are dealing with private insurance, you have a legally guaranteed right to appeal insurance decisions. Start with the Member Services number on your card.
If you are on a Marketplace or ACA plan, you can start here HealthCare.gov Appeal a Decision for information on the process.
County, state, and federal medical offices and clinics typically have a Patient Advocate office that is supposed to help patients with various access needs and disputes.
Start with requesting a full review of your area of concern, then make sure your boots are on because it will be a long slog, but it may be the only way to get the right care and remember that there is always a time limit on everything, so move quickly.
Good luck!
-HomieCidal Brainiac
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