the unfathomable misery of being

After defeating my father, I felt very strong, like no one could ever dominate me again, but in the background, a low, grumbling voice, which felt like nothing less than the intonations of a god, began to resonate behind every song I sang, every goal I endeavored toward, and every dream I dared dream. 

This voice eliminated the possibility of failure by slowly eroding the drive to try. The voice of my father’s disappointment almost forced me to stay afraid, but my belief that I was more than someone else’s target pushed me to become something greater than I was. 

I began by dropping the scared shitless routine, replacing it with a confidence front. That’s it. I pretended to be confident and unafraid. I did this, relentlessly, for long enough that it began to feel true. I really started to believe my lie, but there was still a hurdle. The burden of proof. Eventually, I had to put my money where my mouth and body language were, but I knew that this day would come. I had already made peace with my options: prove myself to myself or be forever a slave to fear. 

What I didn’t expect was how many times a person who knows in his soul how limited and weak he is would have to prove to himself that he is anything other than the perceptions of the god voice narrating all of his failures. This ongoing process has been at the heart of my transformation, but the voice never quiets, so the work never ceases. 

To change the person you are to who you want to be takes more than concentration and desire. It takes an unwavering commitment to who you believe you can be and to pursuing the realization of that goal until your final breath because the forces that are trying to destroy you will never yield. 

-HomieCidal Brainiac