the unfathomable misery of being

I love the night and the sensory underload that settles over my world when it is dark and cool and the good people are tucked away in their places. Like a blanket thrown over kids on a bed, the darkness slowly floats down over me as the evening’s activity gradually wanes to its apparent Nullpunktsenergie. 

I cherish and look forward to this peaceful time when I can reflect and sort out the shit in my life. Of course, I also chill and zone out on garbage and do the things people do to escape the never ending assault occurring outside our walls when the sun shines.

At night, the dark chill hugs every edge and boundary and blurs the distinctions between the things that haunt me during the day, allowing me to look away and see more clearly the things that bring me joy. I yearn for the moments I can wrest myself from the relentless need to focus on life and just look in on my self. To stay sane, I carve out moments when I can just be. 

I walk at night. I am accompanied by my ever faithful, dutiful, and constant companion at home, my good dog. I walk with wonder, wherever I walk. I enjoy experiencing the fascinating world around me, but it is cluttered. When I walk, I look deliberately away from those things designed to draw our attention and instead at the things that I think some people may only typically experience as background noise because they are focused on life. There is no place in existence that does not have something to look at which was not designed to attract our attention. We can avoid the unsettling reality we find ourselves in by seeking out things that are not manufactured: flowers, leaves, grass, clouds, rocks, water, sunsets, and the moon, among many, many others.

Sometimes, we don’t have the ideal circumstances that allow for our ideal inward experience to take place. For me, the first inclination is to mourn the loss of something I never had to begin with, by lamenting whatever unfortunate state I find myself in. Once I am able to overcome my self-pity, I usually find only two options. I can either continue to feel bad and all the lameness that comes with that or I can choose to create the best experience for my self that I can by adjusting how I will experience my circumstances. 

It’s real fuckin’ easy to to get caught up in being upset about our circumstances and it’s not only ok to do that, but it is necessary and healthy for us to process all the stuff life throws at us. However, like all indulgences, it is important that we limit our consumption lest we burden our selves with the additional weight of a gluttonized soul. 

• HomieCidal Brainiac