the unfathomable misery of being

Life at 54 and crazy is like driving at night with a dirty windshield, one headlight, and your horn beeping intermittently when you’re at your worst. 

This condition is so fucking embarrassing. Running around, head still fucked like I’m in my 20s, but way too old to still be behaving like I do. I really feel like I was supposed to be “better” by now, but I think I am objectively worse, despite all the counseling, medications, and self-work. 

I have an appointment tomorrow morning with a provider who I am enlisting specifically to conclusively diagnose me. I feel I cannot continue trying anymore without knowing that the things I’m doing are the “right” things. 

I hope I’m on the right path. I am far too tired to find myself at another dead end. 

-HomieCidal Brainiac