the unfathomable misery of being

When I find myself in my most troubled times, it is difficult to see any solutions that are not final.

I navigate through swirling storms of briefly visualized scenarios, the debris from their destruction flying past me, always threatening me with the dream of demise, but never granting it, though my will strains epically against my self-loathing, which is at all times narrating a seemingly curated selection of potential final outcomes, I feel I cannot hold it back forever and I weep in shame and future regret for the eventual choices I will make. 

No one seems to care and no one comforts me. I have burned those bridges long ago, it seems. My best and really, only hope is a future filled with constant damage control and outgoing threat mitigation. A life filled with self-work that never seems to really work and one of living with my victims in the uneasy zones between perpetration, forgiveness, and the never-fading memories of all the shit I’ve done. 

I look to the concept of personal discipline to navigate this, these days. I’m off all psych meds, save for one mood stabilizer, but no SSRIs, etc. I want to start from square one or nearby that idiomatic starting block, so that I can completely re-evaluate my situation. I am actually feeling pretty good during times free from triggers, but when I fail and crash, it feels like I’m trapped  in a world of abject misery and suffering, nothing offering any hope of reprise, redemption, or revocation. If I get better now, “this time”, I still have history reminding my victims of their status and I always operate in the shadow of the undeniable future recurrences. So, navigating this will require I decide to endure the miseries for the greater goal of the fulfillment of my personal obligations, appropriately mitigate my behavior in those moments of difficulty, and immediately seek to resolve my failings, always beginning with an apology. 

However, in those moments of emotional agony, when no words matter, no self-reflection teaches, and no resolution is attainable I find no other option but to float in the miserable agony. I go away to my bedroom and my nightstand tools. I distract myself carefully until I can ignore the outside world. Then I sink into the dark, swirling pool of hateful things and let it envelope me and I just float in that state until I can reach a milestone, a point at which I can re-evaluate. This might be tomorrow morning or it might be the psych appointment I have coming up in two days. I just look forward to reaching that goal and rely on autopilot for navigating the unavoidable realities of everyday life, which we must face and complete regardless our mental state. I float until I can stand again.  

-HomieCidal Brainiac